============================================================================ 2001 ============================================================================== Quote for July: If you choose not to receive such solicitations from unaffiliated third parties, you may instruct Cal Fed not to disclose your nonpublic personal information. -Cal Fed privacy policy ============================================================================== Humor for June: Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? ============================================================================== Quote for May: I think making us go through the hell of filing, is like making prisoners dig their own graves. -Gil Milbauer, on filing income tax ============================================================================== Pun for April: Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your type here." ============================================================================== Humor for March: (Restaurant slogans in Shakespeare's time...) No pickle, no lettuce -- shall onion be next? By orders most special we ne'er are vexed. To our humble servility, pray you, defer! Permit us to serve thee as thou dost prefer. Have it thy way.... ============================================================================== Ponderous Thoughts for February: Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Can overweight people go skinny-dipping? ============================================================================== Quote for January: Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. -Dave Barry ============================================================================ 2000 ============================================================================== Quote for December: He did mention that at Berkeley he was in a favorable position to study two of the esoteric wonders of our time, subjects only an adept might begin to penetrate. Pure mathematics and the state of California. There were no analogies from the real world that might help him explain either of these. - James Axton in Don DeLillo "Names" ============================================================================== Anagram for November: President Clinton of the USA = To Copulate He Finds Interns ============================================================================== Silly rock lyric for October: (by John Anderson/Steve Howe, Yes "Close to the Edge") A seasoned witch could call you from the depths of your disgrace And rearrange your liver to the solid mental grace ============================================================================== Ponderous thought for September: Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? ============================================================================== Quote for August (Al O'Leary, NY MTA spokesman): We have well over a billion riders a year and most of them have enough sense to ride inside the trains. ============================================================================== Quote for July (Albert Einstein, when asked what radio is): You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. ============================================================================== Quote for June: I seldom wonder whether all cell phone users are in fact smart schizophrenics who have come upon an elegant and socially acceptable way of speaking to themselves. -Arunava Banerjee ============================================================================ Quote for May: I suppose if you say enough things, some of them are bound to be quotable. -Gil Milbauer ============================================================================ Pun for March: Q: What do you call a fish without an eye? A: A fsh. ============================================================================ Ponderous Thought for February: If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, is the first step of a one-mile journey one Milwaukee? ============================================================================ Quote for January (by Steven Wright): The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ============================================================================ 1999 ============================================================================ Quote for December (by Stewart Brand): What's the color of a chameleon put onto a mirror? ============================================================================ Quotes for November (all by John McCarthy): John Rawls in his Theory of Justice suggests that a person should lead his life so that at its end, he will approve of what he has done. What do I care what that senile old codger (me not Rawls) will think? Cynicism is a cheap substitute for sophistication. You don't actually have to learn anything. Writing a ``future work'' section of a paper is like a dog pissing on the trees at the boundary of its territory. A taste for Ingmar Bergman films is the modern subsitute for attending hangings. An atheist doesn't have to be someone who thinks he has a proof that there can't be a god. He only has to be someone who believes that the evidence on the God question is at a similar level to the evidence on the werewolf question. No-one has yet built a monument so high that a bird can't fly over and shit on it. When architects get prizes, the people suffer. Language is froth on the surface of thought. ============================================================================ Ponderous Thought for September: What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about? ============================================================================== Pun for August: A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of saran-wrap underpants. "Well," says the psychiatrist, "I can clearly see you're nuts." ============================================================================== Quote for July (due to Michael J. Fox): Never drive in a place where people believe in an afterlife. ============================================================================== Quote for May: It tastes just like cold stew. It's very meaty, moist and succulent. If we don't get right in there, tasting, smelling, looking at the product, we're not qualified to judge it. If we don't taste it ourselves, how do we know we are offering the best product we can? -- John Murray, during a tasting session at the Kal-Kan dog food plant ============================================================================== Quote for April: It can take a week to prepare a good improvisation. -Roberto Benigni ============================================================================== Quote for March (due to Douglas Adams): First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII -- and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure. ============================================================================= Ponderous Thought for February: Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? ============================================================================== Pun for January: Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. He was also a spiritual person, and even when he was not on a hunger strike he did not eat much and thus he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. This explains why he became known as a super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis. ============================================================================ 1998 ============================================================================ Anagram for December: To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. ============================================================================== Quote for November: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them... and you have their shoes. ============================================================================== Ponderous Thought for October: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? ============================================================================== Quote for September: Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. -Jerry Seinfeld ============================================================================== Quote for August: I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond. --Dolly Parton ============================================================================== Ponderous Thought for July: If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit? ============================================================================== Pun for June: Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. ============================================================================== Ponderous thought for May: Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? And why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? ============================================================================== Quotes for April (all by Abraham Lincoln): People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like. The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he makes so many of them. It is my opinion, all side issues being swept aside, that a man's lower limbs, in order to preserve harmony of proportion, should be at least long enough to reach from his body to the ground. ============================================================================== Quotes for March (due to Henny Youngman): Patient: "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!" A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?" ============================================================================== Quote for February (from the Internal Revenue Code, 26 U.S.C. 3302(c)(2)(C)): The provisions of the preceding sentence shall not be applicable with respect to the taxable year beginning January 1, 1975, or any succeeding taxable year which begins before January 1, 1980; and, for purposes of such sentence, January 1, 1980, shall be deemed to be the first January 1 occurring after January 1, 1974. ============================================================================ Quote for January: I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. -Steven Wright ============================================================================ 1997 ============================================================================ Quote for December: MIT has no retirement plan for graduate students. - an MIT graduate student ============================================================================ Pun for November: A man goes to a dermatologist and receives the diagnosis of unusually dry skin. The doctor prescribes a milk bath. So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guy asks, "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah," the man replies, "Up to my chin should do it." ============================================================================ Quote for October: Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -Lily Tomlin ============================================================================ Pun for September: When she told me I was average she was just being mean. ============================================================================ Quote for August: Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. -Mary Schmich ============================================================================ Quote for July: Computer chess has developed as genetics might have if the geneticists had concentrated their efforts starting in 1910 on breeding racing Drosophila. We would have some science, but mainly we would have very fast fruit flies. -John McCarty ============================================================================ Pun for June: Why don't lions eat the clowns at a circus? Because they taste funny. Quote for June: (From the commencement address of Tony Randall at Centenary College) I believe I'm expected to divulge to you the secrets of life. And the first secret I will divulge is that, beneath this robe, I am naked. Silly Rock Lyric for June: I am, I said To no one there And no one heard at all Not even the chair. -Neil Diamond Ponderous Thought for June: If wine goes with fish, do grapes go with sushi? ============================================================================ Quotes for May: (by Woody Allen) I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. I would definitely like to know the time and place of my death and whether a necktie is required. ============================================================================ Ponderous Thought for April: What is the speed of dark? ============================================================================ Quote for March: "I have no last statement." (Last statement of convicted killer Coleman Wayne Gray before his execution on February 26, 1997.) ============================================================================ Quote for January: Time is the greatest teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students ============================================================================ 1996 ============================================================================ Pun for December: Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffett have in common? A: They both have Kurds in their way. ============================================================================ Quote for November: The ostrich roams the great Sahara. Its mouth is wide, its neck is narra. It has such long and lofty legs, I'm glad it sits to lay its eggs. -Ogden Nash ============================================================================ Quote for October: The panther is like a leopard, Except it hasn't been peppered. Should you behold a panther crouch, Prepare to say Ouch. Better yet, if called by a panther, Don't anther. -Ogden Nash ============================================================================ Pun for September: Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Quote/Ponderous thought for September: If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk? -Sue Dillon ============================================================================ Pun for August: A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies: "We don't serve food here." ============================================================================ Quote for July: A metaphor is like a simile. -Steven Wright ============================================================================ Quote for June: Always remember, as you go out to seek your fortune, your fame, your fulfillment, always remember that it's not who you know in this world, it's whom. -Osborn Elliot Ponderous thought for June: What happens when a tow truck breaks down? ============================================================================ Quote for May: Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? ============================================================================ Quote for April: Serendipity is too important to leave to chance. -David Lewis, AAAI Spring Symposium, 26 March 1996 ============================================================================ Quote for March: You dirty brother, you killed my rat! -Smedyakov Karamazov ============================================================================ Quote for February: I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? -Steven Wright ============================================================================ Ponderous Thought for January: What happens when a synchronized swimmer drowns? Quote for January: Did you know that log base 10 of a gazillion is umpteen? -Eugene Volokh Pun for January: Two tankiers carrying paint collided. One had red paint, the other blue paint. All the survivors were marooned. =========================================================================== 1995 =========================================================================== Pun for December: A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West, goes up to the bar, and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Ponderous Thought for December: What do sheep count to fall asleep? Quote for December: Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire I hold with those who favour fire. -Robert Frost ============================================================================ Quote for November: 'Tarnishment' generally arises when the plaintiff's trademark is portrayed in an unwholesome or unsavory context. Hormel maintains that its trademark [Spam] will be tarnished due to negative associations stemming from Spa'am's 'unsavory' likeness and behavior. Hormel maintains that the Spa'am character's conduct is both illegal and immoral in that Spa'am and his tribe capture Kermit the Frog and Rizzo Rat and tie them to stakes, and that Rizzo expresses his fear of being eaten. The court notes that the morality of a boar tying a frog and a rat to stakes and eating them is very much an open question. The court takes judicial notice of the fact that 'catch-as-catch-can' is the generally accepted rule of behavior in the animal kingdom. -Judge Wood, Hormel Foods Corp. v. Jim Henson Productions Ponderous Thought/Pun for November: Do witches use spell checkers? ============================================================================ Quotes for October: (both by Leo Khachian, 27 Sep 95) AI is like game theory. You can teach game theory without knowing how to play any games. AI is like Leo Tolstoy. He loved mankind. He just didn't like any examples of it. Ponderous Thought for October: Do Lipton employees get coffee breaks? Pun for October: A psychic midget is wanted by the police -- they're looking for a small medium at large. ============================================================================ Quote for September: The California State Board of Education reserves the right to meet in closed session pursuant to Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)(a) to determine whether facts and circumstances authorize it to meet in closed session pusuant to Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)(a). - California Government Code Supplemental Agenda Notice #2 Ponderous Thought for September: Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime? Pun for September: A mime is a terrible thing to waste. ============================================================================ Quote/pun for August (Ogden Nash): The one-l lama, He's a priest, The two-l llama, He's a beast. But I will bet A silk pajama There isn't any Three-l lllama.* *The author's attention has been called to a type of conflagration known as the three-alarmer. Pooh. Ponderous Thought for August: What happens if you shout "Movie!" in a crowded firehouse? ============================================================================ Quote for July: I would like to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers. -from someone's .sig file Ponderous Thought for July: What are shipments of styrofoam packed in? Pun for July: Atheism is a non-prophet organization. ============================================================================ Quote for June: When you've heard one bagpipe tune you've heard them both. -Jack Finney, "From Time to Time" Ponderous Thought for June: If a man eats a pound of pasta and a pound of antipasto would they cancel each other out, leaving the man still hungry? -Scott Adams, "Dilbert" Pun for June: Out of sight, out of mime. ============================================================================ Pun for May: Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef. Ponderous thought for May: What does "definition" mean? Rock Lyric for May: In the desert, they can't remember your name Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. -America, "Horse with No Name" Quote for May: TO PLAY WITH SLINKY IN HANDS Hold end coils of Slinky with both hands. Now raise and lower each hand in a rhythmic motion. TO BOUNCE SLINKY UP AND DOWN Hold a few coils tightly in one hand, allowing rest of Slinky to hang down. Now in a bouncing motion, move hand slowly up and down. -Instructions for using a Slinky, from back of box ============================================================================ Pun for April: Dogma is a bitch. Ponderous thought for April: Why does "big" have fewer letters than "small"? Rock Lyric for April: First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, and then there is. - Donovan Quote for April: The Ottoman sultans also put their eunuchs in commanding positions. - Daniel Boorstin, "The Discoverers" (1983) ============================================================================ Pun for March: A midget walks into a bar and kisses everyone in the joint. Ponderous thought for March: Why does the English language have the construct "Needless to say, ..."? Silly Rock Lyric for March: De doo doo doo de dah dah dah, that's all I want to say to you. -The Police Quote for March: The second type of customization is the ability to choose not only according to topic but also according to context and other attributes. If the search is for papers on induction, for example, knowledge of whether the searcher is a mathematician or an electrical engineer can be very useful. - C. Mic Bowman, Peter B. Danzig, Udi Manber, and Michael F. Schwartz "Scalable Internet Resource Discovery: Research Problems and Approaches" CACM 37(8):98-107, Aug 1994 ============================================================================ Ponderous thought for February: Is there any significance to the fact that LIVES is an anagram of ELVIS? Quote/Lyric/Pun for February: Breakfast Blues by Ronnie Levine, revised by emily kaitz and translated by Keith Grimwood, as recorded by Trout Fishing in America, 1994 You give me hard eggs in the morning, Cheese omelet you go. You give me hard eggs in the morning, Cheese omelet you go. You just hot, buttered grits your teeth and bear it girl, I doughnut love you no more. Ham, bacon you to leave me, I never sausage misery. Ham, bacon you to leave me, darlin', I never sausage misery. Well, you treated me so ungrapefruitly, You gave me a raisin to be free. Well, what do you Eggs Benedict me to do now? I've got muffin else to say. What do you Eggs Benedict me to do now? You butter come up with something, 'Cause I've got muffin else to say. You left such a waffle toast in my mouth, You biscuit out of town today. You give me hard eggs in the morning, Cheese omelet you go. You give me hard eggs in the morning, Cheese omelet you go. You just hot, buttered grits your teeth and bear it girl, I ain't gonna quiche you anymore. ===========================================================================